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Don't listen to the "experts"

May 5, 2017

“Do these 10 things and you’ll get more sex…3 ways to turn on your wife without her knowing.”

 

     Can you believe it? These are actual articles written by “relationships experts”. It’s these experts that continue to perpetuate this idea that a good relationship is based on doing something formulaic which then will get you what you want for yourself. Doesn’t that sound selfish? It’s actually very selfish. It’s the very thing that keeps relationships from going deeper.

Relationships are great things to be in. They can also be challenging things.

 

 

     One of the biggest challenges to a relationship is selfishness.

 In a relationship when the motivation of one person is to get the best for themselves instead of for the other, then things will go poorly and the relationship will probably break up at some point. When “experts” continue to support selfish things in relationships it creates confusion and a cycle of unhappy, continued broken relationships.

So what are the things that “experts” should be paying attention to? Here are 3 things that I think they should be focusing on.

 

Your partner

 

     Obviously you want to be in a satisfying relationship. Despite what you read, manipulating your partner to satisfy your needs is not the way to go. The better way to go is to see what you can do to make life easier for your partner. When you do that it’s more likely that your partner will want to make life easier for you. Anytime you purposefully do things to manipulate your partner for your selfish intentions it is wrong in my opinion.

 

Your emotions

 

     When you are in a long-term relationship of any kind, it can be easy to overlook your emotions because you become accustomed to things. Do you consistently find that you are stuffing things? If so why? Do you find that you are on edge much of the time? Do you avoid conversations because of a possible undesired outcome? These are things to pay attention to. When you become accustomed to things you can get stuck in ruts or not be true to yourself. You may feel stifled, but unwilling to do anything about it because you have been in the relationship so long. Pay attention to your emotions, you have them for a reason.

 

Yourself

 

     Now I had suggested that being selfish is a bad thing, and I still think it is. I fully believe one can focus on themselves and focus on these other things without being selfish. Everyone needs self-care. This requires knowing your limits and knowing what you are able to give to others. If you are always give, give, give, then you will get burned out. If you are always take, take, take, then people will get burned out on you.  Knowing yourself, strengths and challenges are important. If you don’t know these things about yourself you SHOULD NOT be in a relationship.

 

     As with everything finding balance is important. The articles I previously mentioned tend to focus on yourself at the expense of your partner. It becomes yes you’re making your partner happy, but the reason is so you can get more sex. This is not a good reason. You should make your partner happy because it’s the right thing to do.  If you don’t have a balance between the 3 things mentioned above then it’s more than likely you are currently unhappy in your present relationship.

 

     There are many ways to find a balance between these 3 things in your life. What I often suggest is finding a competent counselor. They usually can be helpful in pointing out blind spots in your life. If this is something you feel like you may need, feel free to email me and I can point you in a good direction!

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