When I ask a couple what they love about each other, I get a variety of answers. When I ask a couple what their biggest challenge is, it usually comes down to one or two things. It’s either communication or lack of emotional intimacy. While these are both important things to have in a relationship, I think that one can’t have great emotional intimacy without great communication.
So what is emotional intimacy? It is the ability you have with your partner to talk about your hurts, dreams passions and desires. The more you are able to talk about these things, the more likely you are going to be close to your partner and find fulfillment in the relationship with them.
This intimacy doesn’t come easily. We are supposed to learn in our families how to do this intimacy. Some families teach it well others not so much. In the families that teach it well, clear communication is valued. Sharing of feelings is valued and unconditional love is displayed. In the families that don’t do it well, conditional love and selfishness were focused in on. Clear communication did not take place. Confusing messages were given.
When you leave your family and start a new life with your partner, either you and they are well equipped with tools to communicate and have emotional intimacy or you are not. When I work with couples that never learned this skill in their family of origins it can be a challenge. One part of a couple wants this intimacy and the other part of the couple simply doesn’t know how to do it.
There is hope though. There is a way to start creating emotional intimacy in your life and communicate better even now as an adult. There are specific ways to start this process.
You can’t wait around for your partner to do things differently. You need to be the one who starts the process. No more waiting around for someone else to do it. No more excuses of “that’s not who I am…that’s not how I was raised.” If you want to be better then be the first to do things differently!
What do you feel?
In the moment you start to argue, do you even know what you are feeling? I’m not talking about surface level “I feel angry” feelings. I am talking deeper. Do you feel rejected…hurt…alone…uncared for? These are the deeper feelings that you need to identify. It’s these feelings that you are not addressing that leads to the fights you get into over and over. If you were to actually talk about these feelings with your partner that is the beginning of emotional intimacy.
I’ve written a book that describes the above more in depth. If what I have written resonates with you or if you think there is someone who would benefit from this information, I’d be honored if you pre-ordered my book. Pre-orders allow Amazon to determine how popular the book is going to be so the more pre-orders the better!